Addictions and Hatred

I have to have a new mantra.

I don't know why I so viciously cling to the old ways. It should be obvious to me that I am not right about the way I think about myself and everything, that the ways I've been going about life in general haven't been working.

I don't feel that my change in moods is any more or less varied than that of the average person. But I know now why I come off as "negative" so much.

I hate myself.

Its been my mantra: I hate myself, everything I do is wrong, everything I touch will go to shit, I will never succeed so why try. A trendy thought and a convenient defense mechanism when you're 15 and your family life is shit and you can't stop cutting and burning yourself to feel relief from all the sadness and upset.
When, at 8, then 10, then 12, 14, 15.... your dad finds every excuse in the book to not spend time with you, you tell yourself its because you weren't good enough to deserve his love and attention. Boom. Hate yourself.
When, at 13, you have the cassette tape with the secret recording on it of your stepfather mercilessly beating your crying mother ripped from your hands and destroyed in front of you BY your crying mother, count all the ways in your head that you've failed your family, and your mom in particular, and you'll never be able to make a difference in anything that matters. Boom. Hate yourself.
When, at 14, you confess to your paternal grandparents that there's abuse going on in your household, despite feeling like a snivvling snitch, and they go about their lives like you never said a word, you tell yourself they just thought you were making it all up and the tears were fake, and that they were fine with the idea of you being in danger at home at any given time because you're worthless. Boom. Hate yourself.

Why not? Everyone else does?

Like self-mutilation, self-hatred seems like an appealing option at a young age. And like self-mutilation, the occasional can turn into a crutch can turn into an addiction. If you're worthless and worthy of hatred, it kind of doesn't matter if someone else shits on you. You already know you're shit. Its no big surprise. La di frickin da.

My name is Sarah. And I'm addicted to hating myself.

I do it in every action I make. It is the base coat paint on all the walls of my brain, its a film covering every thought I have, greasy and tacky. But I don't want to do it anymore.

I'm an adult now. I can see the difference between a good thing and a bad thing, more so now than ever in my life. It is obvious that unobjectively hating oneself is an exercise in futility. Its setting yourself up to fail. And, duh, of course I don't want to fail. I want friends who are excited to spend time with me. I want motivation to do the activities that I enjoy. I want to feel like I am a good person who can accomplish things of which I am proud.

I wish I could go back. Talk to 15 year old me. Let it go, I would say. This too shall pass. Just because people in your life have done bad things to you, just because others are flawed and make mistakes that hurt you, none of it means you are worthless. People will do that to you throughout your whole life. Your father is a waste of time. He will never truly see you for who you are, it is a failing on his part, not yours. Your mom and stepfather are stupid. Stupid people put up with abuse, stupid people allow their children to be casualties of such abuse. It doesn't mean anything about you at all. And your grandparents? They have good intentions, they are good people but imperfect like anyone else. They're capable of bad judgment, just like anyone, just like you. Don't let the mistakes of others make you accept abusive relationships, situations in which you find yourself uncomfortable and ill-at-ease. Don't take your eyes off the long-term prize, of independence and lasting happiness. Its as much waiting for you in your future as it is for anyone else. Hating your self is not helping you defend against others, its hurting you and keeping others out. And time will make it worse. Give it up while you still can.

Alas. All I can do is live life moment by moment, trying not to feel constantly discouraged and hopeless and worthless. How do I do this? I really want to know.

Anyone with answers are welcome to the inner sanctum.