a return to sanity (hopefully)

A couple of days ago, a friend of mine described a rape to me. She told me she was creeped out by the guy, and yesterday she was posting hearts on his Facebook wall, and ignoring me with excuses of being too busy. I could only visualize her in my mind, as the child I once knew her as, putting on that scowling face and having a petulant tantrum. If you think I WANT to see anyone like that, you're very mistaken.

Sometimes what you don't know can mean everything.

My friend, the one who told me of the rape, lies. Admittedly! She has said, of course there are lies in life. You ignore them and focus on the love. Love gets you through the lies. Its simple justification.

I am not sorry to disagree. This is not how I accept my life to be. I don't need friends who lie to me.

Cuz now, maybe the rape never happened. Maybe my friend told me something that set me up to look like a jackass to my other friends.

And almost all the drama from this, just happened to me. Did I have any other choices? Maybe. Most of it is being magnified and expanded upon by the popular social media, Facebook.

Today, I deactivated my account.

I just want to see who will be paying attention, who will care.

The only way to reach me now, is to call my house phone on the off chance that I'll pick it up. Or, alternately, come find me. Those who care, know where I live and work. So. We shall see.

They say, kill 'em with kindness. Well, all I can say about that is, I've worked that line for a year and a half now. Over and over again, despite being lied to, insulted, picked on, put down, manipulated and bullied, I have come through in the lurch for my friends who needed me.

If I didn't come through, it was only because sometimes in life, those you know may expect you to have ESP. The way life works is, when you need something, you ask. Only then do you get what you want or need. I can not be held accountable for those friends I may have had who now believe I did them wrong, because they didn't ask me for what they needed of me. This is their own responsibility, none of mine.

I am done. I am a bank account. If you don't deposit more than you draw out, this account will be closed. I've done second and third chances. I've done 50th chances. Where else does one draw the line?

I say none of this in anger, only amazement. I never thought of life this way. Of course, I am not naive enough to think horrible situations will never reach into my life. But, I always picture my life as a straightforward, simple one. It has become anything but.

I need to find my life without Facebook. What did I do two years or so ago, before I started getting too drawn into the internet by that silly website? I suppose I shall be writing more, reading more, getting outside for exercise, seeing the sun, taking trips hiking and camping and swimming that I have been missing. I'll take up the tasks I leave neglected.

Looking out into my yard, I remember 3 years back. I had been living with the boyfriend again for almost a year. I had just been fired from the the local hippie watering hole (aka whole foods co-op) on some very bull-shitty grounds. I had literally no friends because of it. But, somehow, I was much happier. I went snowboarding, like, a LOT. I went out to the bar with people I knew, even if they were just acquaintances, and had very little anxiety. Why should I have been happier, then? Its all the drama, now. Its been ceaseless for the past year and a half. At least in the now I have a job where people like me. I have at least one true friend who judges me not and loves me despite all. Who will make time for me whenever I need her, whether its the middle of the day or the night. Why now do I accept so little as to cling to the blue moon idea of the friend who described her rape to me. Why?

I have grown accustomed to accepting less than I deserve, I suppose. That's nowhere near all of it. I truly do not know the answer to this question. My hopeful heart is proven cataclysmically wrong, over and over. Over and over again I am left in the lurch, being given the silent treatment, being insulted, being taken for granted and belittled. The tragic part is, none of this is inevitable. None of this was caused by some cosmic force of fate. It was choices she made. But she either can't or stubbornly will not face her choices and consequences, and change them accordingly the next time.

I keep getting slapped in the face by life, mainly with the fact that, "HELLO! You CAN'T make someone do what they and you both know needs to be done! You can NOT control what others will do, only how you react!" This applies, of course, to how people treat you. Just because you treat someone with respect and support, does NOT mean you will be treated fairly in return. Truly accepting this may be tantamount to the Real True Wisdom but that doesn't make it any easier. Nor does it make a reward in and of itself, to the seeker of deep inner happiness. Acceptance is only the first step. Recognition and the ability to rectify are two totally separate courses on the plate.

So, without my cellular phone, and without Facebook, I go about my life as I did 3 years ago. I'll trade those things in for the assets I DO have. For the freedom of a light heart and deep sleep. I'll gain a lot more energy and life force. And its a natural-selection kind of weeding out of my false friends, which needs to happen every so often anyway. Anyone who cares will filter back to me on their own. Otherwise, I have all the answer I need to the non-question of my lack of existence. I am hoping these things keep me from ending up in bright orange pajamas and handcuffs, being escorted into a courtroom on assault or destruction of property charges. I am only trying to save myself. No one else can do this for me, I have take the reigns.

Will write more later, or tomorrow. I am glad to have taken the path I have chosen.